Alone in the Dark

I'd tell you all about how more people should have played Mark of Kri, or that Janet was hotter than Krissy.
But you're all playing Borderlands, and you don't give a shit what I'm talking about.
And you have been since yesterday.
You haven't slept yet.
Many of you likely haven't eaten.
Your girlfriends are calling.
You're checking the number, putting the cell on mute, and saying:
"Fuck it, I'll call her later."
And your buddy says into your headset:
"What?"
And then you say, "Nevermind. Wasn't talking to you."
Soon you won't be talking to her, either.
And you're all playing it without me...

Meanwhile, like all jeans that I wear, I've gotten a new hand-me-down PC tower.
Because my brother can't do 25-man raids without some elaborate system that he's otherwise wasting.
The only thing I have to worry about is whether or not he has transferred his porn yet.
Because stumbling across porn, that's fine.
Stumbling across your brother's porn...
Different story.
Certain hand-me-downs you just don't want.

Rendered. Useless.

For those of you who haven't heard about it, observe and wretch.
This is an easy one.
The biggest loser is any unit who's stupid enough to buy the game.
How many moms are getting this one at Christmastime for their little fat children?
"Why don't you try your new game, sweetie?"
"Hang on, mom. I'm not done drizzling cranberry sauce into my open mouth."
If Wii Fit didn't work, neither will this.


I'm pretty heavy into Oblivion (again).
Talk about appropriate names.
Since Monday I've been fired from two jobs and I think I'm developing halitosis.
Those are jokes.
I already had halitosis.
And I have no jobs.
But it's so difficult to wash the urine off of yourself when playing this game.
I'm about 30 hours in.
I was into Final Fantasy 7 (again) and now this is going to prevent me from finishing it (again).
But it doesn't matter.
We all know how 7 ends.
The butler did it.
With Tifa.
Booya!
You know what's fucked?
You watch Advent Children and think to yourself, "I'd totally bone Tifa if she was an actual woman rather than a rendered one."
Oh, you didn't think that when you saw Advent Children?
Yes you did. You liars.
And then you look at the special features, and you see that the voice actress for the Japanese version looks exactly like the rendered Tifa.
Then you turn the lights down low.
Light some scented candles.
And go back to playing Oblivion.



Ayumi, if you're reading this, please respond to my e-mails.
I know that your English is a little shaky.
But I know we can make this work.