A Link to the Past

Ever peruse--between masturbation sessions--top 100 lists?
And when you do, you end up glimpsing a game that has been completely pushed out of your mind?
Due to retail employment and/or bong hits?
Here's a personal one, spotted on this list.



I even played it on the 3D0.
Yeah. I'm that guy.
Take the padlocks off of whatever cabinet you house your classics in.
Dust one off, blow in it, and play it.
For your well-being and everyone else's.

Speaking of, I managed to find a copy of Blackthorne yesterday.
The gaming equivelant to receiving felatio for the first time.
It was bittersweet though because I was dropping my 360 off to get fixed.
If it can be fixed by the local witchdoctors.
The Microsoft peons-
who are being manacled, whipped, and tormented as I write this-
could fix it, but my problem isn't the favourite E74 error.
Like the last time my Xbox was fucked.
So they're not covering it.
And the witchdoctors probably won't fix it.
Because fortune's not my thing.
Agony is.
All the same, sacrifice a chicken on my behalf, would you?
Or a goat*.

How did that meeting even go down?
I wish I'd been there.
"...and then we'll remove the innards, and stuff the carcass with falafel."
"I see. And were you planning to have staff on-hand to serve the falafel?"
"No, we thought we'd just stick a spoon in there and let people serve themselves."
"Very good. Now, where are we going to put the table for the drinks?"

*I linked this site in particular so you could check out the wench in the photo.
Two posts in and I'm showing you a nipple already.

edit: Could you imagine Return Fire over Xbox Live?
And they think Battlefield is a good seller...

New Game

In the beginning I wasn't allowed to play the Nintendo.
My brothers split their money and purchased one in Maine.
It's the only useful thing I've seen come out of there-
well, that and Cujo-
I spent my money on a teddy bear.
Don't hold it against me; I was four at the time.
If I cried enough, mom would make them let me play 'til game over.
I'd always pick Double Dragon.
But then, I'd only ever get as far as the bridge in the woods in level 3
before I'd have to surrender the controller.
Returning to my miserable books.
But oh man, would I watch...
See me now, age 6.
"Who's breathin' on my neck!"
My brother's friend Russell would shout.
"Paul, go away!" they'd all shout.
Fuckers.
My therapist tells me not to dwell on it.
I would say nothing, but watch their every move as they blasted the shit out of the medusa heads in Jackal.
Eventually they'd have to pause it, and Russell would say, "Paul, go piss!"
Cause I'd be writhing, unable to peel my eyes away.
Russell probably saved me from a few bladder infections.
He's married now. Poor fucker.
This blog isn't full of insider information.
I'm not giving reviews so that pock-marked hard-ons can shit all over them.
It's not some goddamned retro throwback (cause retro's so trendy now).
It's pulp for all others who couldn't take their eyes away.
And still can't.
From one writher to another.

eDit: It wasn't until doing this post that I realized how terrifying real-life jackals are.