Battletoads + Double Dragon

You have to try this.
Please, just trust me.
This is like Zeppelin covering Bohemian Rhapsody.



Or The Muppets.

Hard Time

Majesco is going to publish a Martha Stewart game.
Press is still a little obscure, but Majesco released details on the basic premise of the game.
You play as Martha Stewart, obviously.
Gameplay is third-person stealth action.
The game begins with you shivving the overnight guard on watch while on laundry detail (also doubles as the game's training mission).
From there you dispose of prison staff and convicts using any means available.
Sounds like a Manhunt ripoff to me.
I hear it's going to be rated AO in Australia.
Laundry doesn't act solely as the springboard for the game's story.
It also doubles as a handy mini-game in which you fold linens for other convicts.
You're paid in cigarettes, which can then be traded for new jumpsuits and concept art.

"He Gets It All the Time"

If I ever met Ted Price, I'd probably hug him.
You'd have to point him out to me first, though.
Wouldn't want to hug his assisstant or anything.
That could be construed as a mixed message.
I'll likely never be in the same room as him.
But it's not something I'm going to...lose sleep...over.
Get it?!
Lose sleep?!
Insomniac Games?!
I don't know what I'd do to Andy Gavin and Jason Rubin
(after you pointed them out to me).
Give them noogies, probably.
I heard that they smoothed over Crash Bandicoot's teeth in order to market him in Japan.
No, seriously.
They also blurred out his genitals in the commercials.
It's just common decency.


edit: I googled 'noogies' before publishing this post.
Just to make sure it hasn't become a racial slur of some sort.

Doesn't Matter If You Win or Lose (it's if you play the game)

Feel like being aggravated?
Here's a quote from Ebert, explaining how he knows that video games cannot be art.
His quote, however, doesn't explain why his lips look so funny.
Someone should tell Ebert that we let him critique films because he actually watches them.
Obviously he doesn't play video games.
If he did, he wouldn't say that you 'win' them.
You know who uses the term 'winning' when referring to finishing games?
My parents.
You win when you play Tri-Bond.
What a fat head.
Someone should jam Ebert back into his suitcase until Avatar 2 comes out.

Thumbs down, buddy.

edit: I used Okami just because it's an obvious counter.
I could have used a GTA screen, or countless other titles just as easily.

Reeking Havok

I would have written sooner than now.
But I've been sitting in my own filth since the last post.
Trying to kill the Armored Spider in Demon's Souls.
I finally beat him earlier this week.
So, I can start ogling girls outside of La Senza again.
That's a real job.
A real job like killing that Armored Spider.
It's nice to fight a boss with uncertainty.
Well, it's nice until you die and have to go farm more healing items.
Y'know what Demon's Souls reminds me of?
Mega Man.
Seriously, though.
You progress through a level, not knowing what you'll run into next.
Then you run into it.
Then it kills you.
Then you start over.
There's a rhythm to the levels; a pace.
Want proof?
Do a level that you've done a hundred times already (Boletarian Palace, probably)...
...completely backwards.
I still haven't seen the dog that shoots energy balls from its' tail.

Reviewers complained about the physics in the game.
Particularly with the dead bodies.
And their tendency to tango around when you walk into them.
This is on damned good authority.
The Havok physics are, for once in gaming history (maybe), piss poor.
But, I've figured out how to appreciate them.
I learned it with my wizard, and have since translated it to my thief:
Savour the death of every jerkoff that you kill.
Which you should be doing anyway.
Administer a finishing blow, and then stand perfectly still.
They sort of die convincingly then.
Beyond that, try to walk around their dead bodies instead of through them.
That's the best I can tell you, though.
If you're fighting in close-quarters, my suggestion is null and void.
Speaking of which, that lock-on camera, though crucial, can and will fuck you at times.
In a game where you're already getting fucked so frequently...

Clearing the Air

Drain the brake fluid on your buddy's car.
It's April Fool's Day.
Keep an eye out for headlines suggesting that Duke Nukem Forever is coming out.
It'll just end up being a gag.
Or a Road Rash sequel...
Y'know, all the game industry consists of now is frigging sequels.
You think someone would have made a new Road Rash by now.
When's the last time any of you wailed on Biff with a chain?
Exactly.
Ubisoft got their April Fool's joke out a little early.
Check out the gag here, via Gamespot.
Good one, Ubisoft.
You almost had us there.

It's a big day for me.
I still look the same as I do, but! I'm getting a PS3 today.
Big deal.
I was okay without one for this long.
But there are too many exclusives that I'm missing now.
I believe I already mentioned Demon's Souls.

My Dead Space rental will have to be cut short as a consequence.
However, I'm very glad I picked up this property before its' next iteration.
If you ignore the lack of statues and playing card-themed keys,
this title is more Resident Evil than Resident Evil 4 is.
Well, it's a bit of a tie, maybe.
I mentioned earlier that this game has a great sense of atmosphere.
And this proved truer as I progressed through the tram rides.
Not only did Redwood Shores nail their attempts at ambiance.
They shift that ambiance as Issac makes his way through the goo.
It's reminiscent of Bioshock in that way.
After so many gloomy hallways, a change of pace was due.
But I didn't expect the Hydroponics Labs.
You walk into this green, lush, clean environment.
And after listening to so many crying babies and violin riffs...
...crickets.
It's such a pleasant shift in tone, it's almost palpable.
Like a shedding of skin.
Or, you know when your socks are really wet and you want to take them off?
It's like that.
Then you have to shoot those poisonous wheezies with the mutated lungs.
And they prove to be creepier than any monster in the game.
If you took this long to play it like I did, today's your day.
Break up with your girlfriend and splurge the twenty bucks.
Slam the game for a few days.
Then tell your (ex-)girlfriend that you were April Fooling her.
Didn't expect that little tidbit of genius, did you?
Gaming is all about distancing yourself from your girlfriend.
And then tricking her into having sex with you again.
If you have this title, dust it off.
It deserves another go-around.



edit: I have to figure out how to make videos of my own gameplay.