You Again...

Remember when games were made into second games because it was earned?
There's a problem with the industry having money.
It's a prime opportunity for executive hard-ons to waste it.
On garbage that should be forgotten instead of being repackaged and thrown at us again.
Let's see how many writers get fired because of it this time.
Maybe they can get a job on the dev. team for the third one.

When you were a kid, even cool games wouldn't get sequels.
Now that just makes them even cooler.
Blackthorne.
Eternal Darkness (okay, young adult).
Faxanadu.
A.P.B..
Could you imagine four installments of Bayou Billy?

Come on.

What happened to the honour?
The responsibility?
You release a humiliating title you do the noble thing:
Take all of the units to a dump and bury them in fucking concrete.
It's called the drawing board.

I Only Do It Because I Love You

Has Bioware really gotten a grasp on the good vs. evil schematic yet?
I love Bioware.
Baldur's Gate dropped-I was there.
Regardless.
Here's a synopsis:
You beat up the abusive bartender for the bar wench.
The slider moves up a quarter inch in the blue bar.
You beat up the bar wench (to keep her in line), quarter inch in the red bar.
Blue bar: Everyone is polite to you.
Red bar: Merchants say something pissy before the purchase menu opens.
But they're making promises for ME2.
Here's hoping they deliver.

I just finished Assassin's Creed 2.
Don't bother trying to get that sand tossing acheivement.
Just whack your controller off of something.
Then immediately check to see if all of the buttons still work.
Mutter, "Bullshit," under your breath.
And dye your clothes a new colour instead.
Save you a whole bunch of time.
Did you do that when you were kids, by the way?
Whack your controller off of something and then immediately calm down?
And then check to see if all of the buttons still worked?
It's like the game reeled you into a frenzied sort of trance.
And damaging your controller was the only way to snap out of it.
Ever see how bulls have their testicles clamped up during rodeos?
But as soon as they take the clamp off, the bull's cool with everyone?
Same thing.
You'd kick around like that, too, by the way.
If someone clamped up your testicles.

Alone in the Dark

I'd tell you all about how more people should have played Mark of Kri, or that Janet was hotter than Krissy.
But you're all playing Borderlands, and you don't give a shit what I'm talking about.
And you have been since yesterday.
You haven't slept yet.
Many of you likely haven't eaten.
Your girlfriends are calling.
You're checking the number, putting the cell on mute, and saying:
"Fuck it, I'll call her later."
And your buddy says into your headset:
"What?"
And then you say, "Nevermind. Wasn't talking to you."
Soon you won't be talking to her, either.
And you're all playing it without me...

Meanwhile, like all jeans that I wear, I've gotten a new hand-me-down PC tower.
Because my brother can't do 25-man raids without some elaborate system that he's otherwise wasting.
The only thing I have to worry about is whether or not he has transferred his porn yet.
Because stumbling across porn, that's fine.
Stumbling across your brother's porn...
Different story.
Certain hand-me-downs you just don't want.

Rendered. Useless.

For those of you who haven't heard about it, observe and wretch.
This is an easy one.
The biggest loser is any unit who's stupid enough to buy the game.
How many moms are getting this one at Christmastime for their little fat children?
"Why don't you try your new game, sweetie?"
"Hang on, mom. I'm not done drizzling cranberry sauce into my open mouth."
If Wii Fit didn't work, neither will this.


I'm pretty heavy into Oblivion (again).
Talk about appropriate names.
Since Monday I've been fired from two jobs and I think I'm developing halitosis.
Those are jokes.
I already had halitosis.
And I have no jobs.
But it's so difficult to wash the urine off of yourself when playing this game.
I'm about 30 hours in.
I was into Final Fantasy 7 (again) and now this is going to prevent me from finishing it (again).
But it doesn't matter.
We all know how 7 ends.
The butler did it.
With Tifa.
Booya!
You know what's fucked?
You watch Advent Children and think to yourself, "I'd totally bone Tifa if she was an actual woman rather than a rendered one."
Oh, you didn't think that when you saw Advent Children?
Yes you did. You liars.
And then you look at the special features, and you see that the voice actress for the Japanese version looks exactly like the rendered Tifa.
Then you turn the lights down low.
Light some scented candles.
And go back to playing Oblivion.



Ayumi, if you're reading this, please respond to my e-mails.
I know that your English is a little shaky.
But I know we can make this work.

TryForce

If this blog had fans they'd no doubt wonder where I've been all summer.
The answer:
Bedding many anonymous women.
Anonymously.
That's not true; girls find me off-putting.
The truth is that after my 360 crapped out I ran into the woods.
I've been living there ever since.
Unfortunately, I'm as shitty at being feral as I am at bedding anonymous women.

I never finish games.
Never.
No matter how shitty a Danielle Steel book is, I'll finish that.
But not so for my other true passion.
Though I've played ever so many.
Like Maui Mallard in Cold Shadow, for example.
And that's part of the problem.
I never finish a game because another one always comes flitting by.
Then I can't resist switching titles.
Besides decreasing my sex drive and increasing my irritability, gaming has whittled my will down quite a bit over the years.
Oh sure, there's exceptions.
The Grand Wizards I have played through.
Resident Evil 4.
God of War.
That game where you get a job and buy refrigerators.
But the ratio of games I have sampled to those I have completed is embarrassing.
I frequently resolve to force myself into playing a game til its completion.
But there's that issue of will I brought up earlier...

A Boy and his Blog

Now here's a game in desperate need of a sequel.
I remember playing this when I was particularly young.
I didn't really grasp it at the time.
I just enjoyed feeding the blob jelly beans and making it turn into stuff.
Ever have a popcorn-flavoured jelly bean?
They're disgusting.
I ate one once and very nearly vomitted.
A less fond memory.

Now if only we could get someone to tackle Road Rash...

PO'd

Rockstar's always gotta spike the punch.
I mean, I love 'em. I love 'em all.
In fact, I've been photographing Rupert Humphries in the shower for quite some time.
Sifting through his garbage, that sort of thing.
But "The Ballad of Gay Tony"?
Activist groups are going to be hurling burning crosses onto the design team's lawns.
Except for the guys who live in condos.
I don't know what they'll do with them.
But they'll figure it out; they're activists.
They're flawless.
And if you're the one guy who isn't convinced that GTA is our whipping boy, just remember:
No one gave a shit when it was Big Gay Al.

My 360 seems to be repaired.
They tell me it's repaired.
I'm reserving hope until I pick it up.
I'll probably get hit by a bread truck whilst walking with it.
I'm so sick of that happening.